“Jimmie why are you here?”
As the nurse asked you this random out of norm question, not once but twice, the second time you looked me in my eyes and said "babe because my time is up." I came home that evening and started to prepare the children. I let them know you have made a decision and you are ready to leave this world. As they cried, looked sad, insisted that I don’t put that into the universe, all while having a number of questions, I immediately remembered one of my many prayers regarding you.
One being that each one of my children get to know you. Not that you are just alive when they are born, but they get to know you and spend time with you, get the experience of the dad and grandad that I have been witness to. Each day turned into weeks, months and years, all while I was quietly saying “thank you Lord” for answering my prayer. Another prayer I had was that you live to see the Lord’s promise. Once you hit 70, no one knew the thanks I had that you made it, with that no one knew how each day past that I counted a lucky. As diagnoses came treatments increased medications became numerous, I saw you push and at times struggle for the sake of us all. I struggled with finding the balance of wanting to take care of my daddy while still allowing you the space the to the man the superhero you’ve always been. In more recent days as I saw you through surgeries and more treatments the ups and downs, I prayed, “Lord let your will be done.” I knew the man I was seeing wasn’t who you wanted to be. All while still being selfish, and asking for just a lil bit more time, but remembering you held to your end, now it’s time I hold to mine, and accept what you want. When the doctor said let me ask you, before he could finish the question “is this what your dad would want”, I interrupted him saying “no, this is not what he would want, he hasn’t fought to live the life he has to be at this point.”
My daddy used to always say "just know, babe whatever decision that is made I have considered all the consequences and I'm OK with them so don't you worry about me?” From telling me your time is up, to sending me Easy by the Commodores to having your last song be The Gambler by Kenny Rogers (can’t count how many times Ive heard this growing up), you let me know you’d be leaving me. With all that Daddy, I still wasn’t ready. I know there is no more pain, no more hurt, no more confusion, and you deserve the rest, I know better than most that you truly deserve the rest, but there is still a part of me that wants you here and say we’d get thru it one more time as we have the rest. Daddy I know you were tired long before now, you kept fighting regardless of how you felt, you kept popping up to see the kids no matter how many times I said “now daddy why you make that drive”, shows that you did all you did for those you loved.
There isn’t a person I know that has been blessed to know you, can say that you weren’t that guy, that man, that one. You couldn't convince me that there was/is a better man walking this earth. That my daddy was thee daddy. As my daddy got older he would say "look I got 1 fight left in me, better make it count.” Let me tell it, that 1 fight he was saving, was for me. When my phone rang at exactly midnight on September 15 (my birthday) I knew my daddy had gave his all and saved that last fight for me. I am thankful that forever more my daddy and I will share this day, my birthday as our day. We had a relationship a connection a bond, Jimmie Lee Smith was MY DADDY, my daddy gave me the greatest gift this year, his transition a place of no more sorrows no more pain no more worries of this world, his peace and his rest.
Daddy there isn’t a word or words I can be put together to express how this feels, the colors are dull, the sounds are mute and muffled and it's a constant numb with random emotions and rivers of tears, I know you laughing saying “babe it’s alright, dad is good, go on now.” I can see that slight smile and grin from the corner of your mouth, and hear your chuckle ever so light. I prayer I never stop hearing your voice and seeing your face, all while waiting for that day to come when I see you again. I always tell the kids to not use the word fair, because life isn’t fair. I guess it is fair, you have done all you could, the Lord answered my prayers, and it's His will not mine.